Family conversations about phones, screens, and the internet
This is not a contract. It is a set of conversation prompts, age by age, that families can talk through together and write down if they want to. The aim is shared understanding, not signatures, so parents and guardians and young people can agree what helps at home.
Initiative funded and led by Dr Alex J. Martin-Smith, CMgr · MBA · LLM · DBA. Contact Alex directly at ams@upleashed.com or 0330 122 1223 / 07624 218080.
How to use this page
Choose the age bracket that fits the youngest child. Read it together if you can. Pick the three or four points that feel most useful for your home, write them down somewhere visible like the fridge, and revisit when something changes.
Under 11
Who this is for: Families with primary-age children who use shared family devices, or have just been given their first device.
What you, as the adult, agree to
- We will set up the controls and explain what they do, in words that make sense to you.
- We will be in the room when you are using a new app or game for the first time.
- We will not change the rules suddenly without telling you why.
- If you find something upsetting, you can come and tell us, and you will not be in trouble.
- We will not share photos of you online without asking you first.
What we ask of you
- Tell us before you download a new app or game.
- Use devices in the kitchen or living room, not in the bedroom.
- If a screen shows you something that does not feel right, come and tell us straight away.
- Charge devices in the kitchen overnight. Devices sleep where the adults sleep.
- Ask before you use someone else's phone or tablet.
When something goes wrong
Tell us first. We will look at what happened together. We do not take devices away as the first reaction. We will work out what to change so it does not happen again.
Conversation prompts
- What is your favourite thing to do on a screen at the moment?
- Has anything online ever made you feel funny in your tummy?
- What would you do if someone you did not know tried to message you?
- What is something we could do together that is not on a screen?
11 to 14
Who this is for: Families where the young person has their own phone or tablet, and is beginning to message, post, and game with friends.
What you, as the adult, agree to
- We will not read your private messages without telling you first. If we think we need to look, we will say so.
- We will explain why a control is on, not just that it is on.
- We will not post photos or stories about you on social media without asking.
- We will treat your phone with the same respect we expect for ours.
- If you ask for a control to come off, we will hear you out properly before we decide.
What we ask of you
- Tell us if a stranger contacts you online. We will help you work out what to do.
- Phones charge in the kitchen overnight. Sleep matters.
- If something upsetting comes up in a group chat, screenshot it and show one of us.
- If a friend asks you to share a photo of yourself, talk to us first. There is no rush and no right answer in the moment.
- Be kind in messages. The rule is the same online as offline.
When something goes wrong
Come and tell us. You will not be in trouble for telling us something difficult. We will work out the next step together, including whether to involve the school, the platform, or the police. Most things sort out with a calm conversation.
Conversation prompts
- What is the best thing about your phone right now? What is the worst?
- Have you ever seen something online you wished you had not?
- Is there a control we have set that you think is not fair? Tell us why.
- What is one thing you wish we understood better about the apps you use?
14 to 17
Who this is for: Families where the young person has substantial online independence, is making their own decisions about content and contact, and is approaching adulthood.
What you, as the adult, agree to
- We will trust you by default. We will not search your phone unless we believe there is a serious safety reason, and we will tell you if we do.
- We will treat your decisions as your own, including the ones we disagree with.
- We will keep our opinions about your friends and the people you message offline unless we are worried about your safety.
- We will not use parental controls as a punishment for things that are not about safety.
- If you ever need help, no matter what time and no matter what about, we will pick up.
What we ask of you
- Look after your sleep. Phones outside the bedroom is the easiest way and it works for adults too.
- If you are sharing money online (gambling sites, in-game purchases, subscriptions), tell us. We will not judge, we will just want to know.
- If someone is hurting you online, financially scamming you, blackmailing you, or threatening you, come to us straight away. No-one will be cross. We just want to help.
- Keep an eye on your friends. If one of them seems to be in trouble online, you do not have to fix it, but you can tell us or a trusted adult.
- Be honest with us about what your life online looks like. We do not need every detail. We need to know the big stuff.
When something goes wrong
We will not overreact. We will not take your phone away as a first move. We will sit down, work out what happened, and help you decide what to do next. We will involve outside help only if your safety needs it. You will know before we do.
Conversation prompts
- What is one thing the controls on your phone do that you would change if you could?
- Have you seen friends in difficult situations online recently?
- How do you decide who to follow, friend, and unfollow?
- Is there anything online you are doing that you would rather we did not know about? You do not have to tell us. Just ask yourself.
Writing it down (optional)
Some families like to write down the three or four points they have agreed on, signed or unsigned, and pin them somewhere visible. Other families just have the conversation. Both are fine. The conversation matters more than the document.
If you do write it down, keep it short. A list on the fridge that everyone has read beats a six-page contract that no-one has.
Save or print this page
This page is designed to print cleanly. Use your browser's print function (Cmd+P on Mac, Ctrl+P on Windows) and choose "Save as PDF" as the destination if you want a digital copy. We do not collect anything when you do this.
If your family wants to mark the conversation with signatures, that is fine. Names and a date are enough. There is no need to number anyone.
Date of conversation: _____________________
Names of those who took part:
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
Where to get help if something is wrong
If something difficult is happening online and your family needs more than a conversation, our Where to go for help page lists trusted UK and Isle of Man support organisations, including Childline (0800 1111, free 24-hour) and the NSPCC helpline (0808 800 5000).